A guy named Norman Rockwell

Growing up there was this strange man my mom talked about during the holiday seasons. Norman Rockwell was his name and she would always say “this is just like out of a Norman Rockwell painting”…. I never paid much attention to this comment but did notice that we had a lot of these “moments” as children.

As we gear up for the fall season, my absolute favorite time of year, I am reminded of my parents commitment to our childhoods being filled with wholesome family traditions that would ultimately lead me to think that we had the “picture perfect” family and the best childhood anyone could ask for. I realized that our family isn’t perfect but through a child’s eye, one would beg to differ.

I was so excited to find out that we were going to be having a baby in February because that meant I would be in my glorious second trimester during the fall!

Jorde and I are looking forward to creating the same nostalgic memories for our kids. This past weekend kicked off our fall festivities. From this point forward it is 200 miles an hour to the delivery room. Ignoring the Rangers Friday nights loss in the 7th Game of The World Series our weekend was “out of a Norman Rockwell painting” to quote my mom. Saturday was the annual carnival for the school down the street from us. They kick off the day with a 5k and a fun run. The fun run always takes off down our street so the last few years we have made a tradition by sitting out in our front yard cheering on the runners with our coffee in hand. After the run was finished some friends who participated in the run came down to join us for donuts and coffee. I love our neighbors. They are simply the best! After a few hours of front yard congregating we retreated back inside while they went home to get their kids ready for the carnival.

The real treasure of the weekend was our annual pumpkin carving party that my in-laws host every year. I have really come to look forward to this event but next year will be one for the books as we get to carve with our little pumpkin! I can’t wait to see her face when she touches the inside of her very first pumpkin!! If she is anything like her momma she will make a gross face and cry about it.

It has been a while since we have seen this side of the family and friends because we are all just trying to keep up in our own rat race. It was just great to see everyone and get to answer questions about the baby, being pregnant and everything else we have going on, as well as talk to them about their busy lives. Max, Jorde’s youngest cousin was particularly curious about the bump on my belly. I am so glad his mom got a picture of him rubbing my belly to wake Sloan up. She didn’t cooperate so he moved on but this picture is priceless!

(That is not a bald spot on my head, it's the sun, I swear)



Last night was Halloween and while that is a not a holiday I grew up “celebrating” I certainly enjoy the joy that dressing up and “trick-or-treating” brings to the kiddos. Another reason I have found to love living in the city, we actually have trick-or-treaters. I grew up in the country so we never had trick-or-treaters and we just went to the fall carnival at our church every year and to our grandparent’s house so the act of trick-or-treating is somewhat foreign to me. I love how some kids are so shy when asking for candy and others totally own their costume. Here are some of my favorite little trick-or-treaters.

From top to bottom these festive cuties are: Trapper, my cousin's two year old. He is a Blue Monster. Ethan, our neighbor who could not have been any cuter. Kacyn, my other cousin's kid who was Woody. I talked to him yesterday while they were getting ready and he was sooo excited! He told me he was “oody” like 5 times until his mom told me he was “Woody”...oops. Kyler, my nephew was Nemo and was really wanting to run around more than take a picture to send to his Aunt JJ. And our beautiful McKabry Dawn. She was a bumble bee. She is Kacyn's big sister and such a priss. There were so many more kiddos that I want to share but I don't have pictures of them. Lilly and Alex, our neighbors girls that are 3 years old were leading the charge last night in their big group of trick-or-treaters. Lilly shouted from across the street "JJ, is the baby happy it is Halloween?!?!?!" and then ran over to see if she was kicking. They take such good care of me :)

Tonight Jorde and I celebrate 3 years of marriage. I know people say marriage is hard but when you are both trying EVERY SINGLE DAY it really isn't that difficult. I bet it helps that we are each others best friend and really do enjoy hanging out together. I was talking to my mother-in-law this weekend explaining Jorde's commitment to the Texas Rangers and actually compared it to our marriage. I said that "when he commits to something he really commits to it, just like our marriage" as funny as that is, it seems to be a great explanation of why he is such a great husband. He is not a fair weather Rangers fan. He has season tickets with his buddies, researches the injuries, knows the stats, reads up on the fields they are playing at, knows their strategies.. Shall I continue? My point is, when he decided to commit to the Rangers He didn't want to just go to the games he wanted to understand THEIR game. The last 8 years have been magical. Marriage just solidified our commitment to one another. The day was picture perfect but the day after is what made it so magical. I am so blessed to call him my husband, best friend, and my "baby daddy"! Tonight we will celebrate our 3 years of marriage, our eight years of togetherness, and our lifetime commitment to one another and our precious baby on the way.

The way we see it, we can not give Sloan everything we want to give her if we are not rock solid. My dad told me one time when I was young that he loved my mom more than me. As a child my feelings were hurt and didn't understand how he could love my mom more than me.. I was pretty awesome afterall... But as an adult I understand that the kind of love he has for my mom and the kind of love he has for his kids are different. In order for him to give his children the best childhood he could, he had to love my mom and put her needs first. That way they could be better parents. He didn't love my mom "more" He loved her first so that they could love us without any distractions.

As I wrap up this post I am so thankful for this experience. Every moment has made us a better couple and allowed us to grow as individuals. We have 16 weeks to go until our little girl arrives and in that time we are moving, becoming landlords, hosting 2 Thanksgivings, our Annual Grown up Christmas party, and Christmas for the Scotts, the CF Wine Mixer that we are speaking at, 2 -3 baby showers,Learning more about Cystic Fiborosis and becoming parents, and continuing to prepare for Sloan’s arrival. We have so much to do in so little time but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am truly overwhelmed with thankfulness. What a “picture perfect, Norman Rockwell” time in our life.

Dr. Rinehart

I am so thankful for the opportunity to carry this little angel and get excited every time I feel her moving around. We had a doctor’s appointment this past Tuesday and the doctor asked if I had any concerns. I told him if I had one it would be that I don’t think she is as active as she should be. Once we turned on the sonogram machine it was obvious that I just must not be paying attention. She had her feet going in bicycle motion and her hands were back and forth between her mouth and the back of her neck (relaxing pose.) the doctor then told me that the fact you can only “feel” her a couple of times a day and that she isn’t flapping around all the time is a sign of intelligence. This put my mind at ease for an hour or so but I really wanted (and still want) to feel her at all time. This will come soon enough he told me but for now it is a great sign that she is showing muscle control with her body and is able to move her legs and arms without moving the entire body.

This led into the emotional moment of the doctors appointment… Because we did the early testing for CF we are being monitored by our OB as well as a specialist. Dr. Rinehart (he is awesome!!)Who is the one that did our CVS test and has been monitoring Sloan’s development and my body’s reaction to the pregnancy since the test. After he did his doctor thing he looked at Jorde and me and let us know that things couldn’t look any better! He said “she is perfect.” At that, tears began to form but I was determined to let him continue to tell us how “perfect” she was without him stopping short because I got emotional. He went on to tell us that she is in the 78th percentile as far as growth, her intestines look great (something we are very concerned with due to her having CF), her smarts are already proving to be there, and she will, in every way, be a normal, healthy baby girl that just happens to have CF.

In our first meeting with Dr. Rinehart I was petrified. I knew there was a risk of miscarriage and I knew that we had a 1 in 4 shot of our daughter’s test results showing positive for CF. The day before the test I called up his office to find out what would happen if the doctor got in the room and I decided that I couldn’t go through with the test. I was absolutely terrified of losing this precious baby that I had already fallen so deeply in love with.They assured me it would be no problem. The moment Dr. Rinehart came in the room my worries were lessened. He had the best bedside manner (something you just don’t get enough of these days) and explained EXACTLY what he was going to do, how long it would take, and why it was important that I stay still. He went over the likelihood of a miscarriage with us and then gave us the option to proceed. I am so glad we did. I see these kinds of medical advances as blessings. We were given the option to prepare ourselves for our future before our future got here. It is a great gift that we are able to give to our daughter and I am not sure that I would have gone through with the procedure if I had walked into any other doctor’s office.

The follow up visit after the results were back and we had a few weeks to digest the information he came into the room to find a giggly me, excited to see my baby girl. He put his hands on my shoulder and smiled. I knew exactly what he was saying to me. He was telling me what every other person has been saying to me with such love, concern, and support. “I’m so sorry.” While I am appreciative of the sympathy I do not want it to define my pregnancy, my marriage, or my child’s future. He read me like a book and recognized, just like everyone has, that we were going to make the most of this. His hand on my shoulder was the comfort that I needed in that moment and reassured me that we were in the right hands. I am so grateful for all of the doctors that we have come to know and will continue to get to know during this journey and the journeys to come.

Baby girl at 21 weeks and 2 days

3:34 AM

I will never forget it! This morning I was awoken for the third… maybe fourth time by my leg cramps. So annoying! These are pretty common in the pregnant lady world but I could seriously do without. You can’t just rub them away, you have to literally get up out of bed and walk them off… so, at 3:20 or so I was up walking around the house aimlessly until this pesky pain that I have become all too familiar with went away.

When I finally was able to get back into bed our little princess girl decided that it was play time. So excited!! I had my hand on my belly just enjoying her movements thinking about what she looks like at this very moment in life when I realized that she was really wanting to play. She was wide awake and was ready for some action. I HAD to wake Jorde up for this. She was rolling around and kicking. I imagined her as a little cartoon ninja. This was the first time that I was able to tell what I was feeling. Before, I just assumed it was her feet but this time I was certain there was some butt movement going on. So, at 3:34AM I awoke Jorde from his slumber and placed his hand on my belly for him to get his first solid interaction with our child. AHHHHH. The absolute perfect moment. It woke him up alright. She was going to town and her daddy was one proud papa! She is growing up. No more “flutters” these are the real deal. Just four more months and a few days to go until we watch her grow up right in front of us. In just 5 months she has developed the strength to ninja chop!! SO PROUD!

A Beautiful Life

I don’t want to write this post. From the bottom of my heart, I would give anything to be writing about happier times during my pregnancy. We have been so blessed to share great times with eachother and our families and I would rather write about those times but I can’t today. I don’t know how else to express my sadness.

Yesterday, after two weeks and two days in ICU, two surgeries, and three holes blown in her beat up lungs, our beautiful Madison Dallas went to walk with Jesus. Her earthly body could no longer continue. It was just too weak.

I could go on and on about Maddie and the life that she led. Cystic Fibrosis did not treat her kindly but she did her very best to not let it define her. She had the best sense of humor, a mind that could be explained as genius, and a true servants heart. She was simply “a beautiful person.” The world is missing out on one great mind and person.

Jorde and I, while embracing our daughters disease, have struggled to understand the why behind it. I mentioned in my last post that we had a great conversation with Maddie the night before she went into surgery. This would be the last conversation we would have with her and I am so glad she overcame the human nature to skirt awkward topics and tell us that Sloan would never go through what she was going through. A 14 year old girl.. 15 hours before an extremely high risk surgery, took the time to put us at peace with this disease. How she did that.. we will never know.

I have always appreciated sad movies. One movie that has been on repeat in my head is “A Walk to Remember” there is a dialogue between Jaime (girlfriend/ Cancer Patient) and Landon (boyfriend/ popular kid that lives for himself.) The conversation had to do with Faith and Landon asked Jamie to explain to him why there was suffering if there was a God. Jamie’s answer was “without suffering there would be no compassion. “ I keep reminding myself of this each time I find myself confused with God’s Will. If we were to understand everything in our lives and expect that everything has a happy ending we would never know the joy that comes with the good things that life offers, but instead be empty of emotions.

While it is hard to understand why God took such a remarkable little girl and took my friends precious baby girl we have to believe that there is something bigger that we are all a part of. We are not our own, but on loan from God until he calls us home. I don’t mean to get religious on everyone but when these kind of things happen in life I find it easiest to digest it if I give it up to the man upstairs. If I can’t control it, I would rather think that he is in control instead of believing in nothing….

Madison was so excited to meet Sloan. We were in the process of figuring out ways the two of them could spend time together (CF patients should not be within 6 ft of one another).. never did we think that they would never meet here on this earth. Before Maddie died, about 45 minutes before her heart stopped, I was holding her hand and had the strongest urge to let her feel my belly one last time.. It was weird. I felt compelled to take her hand and place it on my belly.. I tried but it wouldn’t reach over the bed rail. I told Jorde that I needed her to feel the baby one last time. I felt like she wanted to feel her and he said we would get a stool. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it because it sounds kinda weird.. but I wasn’t going to deprive her if this is what she wanted so I stood on my tip toes and put her hands through the rail. Her index finger and pointer finger made it. I just know that she enjoyed that. I know that Maddie will be watching out for our little girl and most importantly, I Know that Madison is in no more pain, she will suffer no more, and that she is walking with our Lord.

The final moments of her life I was not sad, I was at peace and was envisioning what I believe Heaven looks like. I pictured her long brown hair so beautifully curled, a huge smile on her face as she took a HUuuuuGE breathe, and ran into her PopPop’ (Jorde’s grandpa who passed away a little over a year ago) arms.

Last night, after we had all left the hospital, I was talking with her mom and she said that Maddie shared more about why she believes Sloan will also have CF. She believed that God knew that there was so much she wanted to do with her life that she wouldn’t be able to and that Sloan will be able to carry on the torch. She believes, as I believe that Sloan will get to see the cure to this horrible disease and Sloan receiving the cure will give full closure to Maddie dying so young.

This is a sad time for all of us but as time heals our hearts we will remember Maddie often and know that while we didn’t want to give her back she was ready. She was tired and knew there was a better place waiting for her. We will raise Sloan to know Madison as the warrior she was. She battled hard for seven years . Madison left a legacy that Sloan will fully embrace. Maddie Made our family better and the people she encountered better.

Maddie was a Jr. Bridesmaid in our wedding . Here are some pictures that I would like to share with you all. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her but this was not a good time for her. She was in and out of the hospital often. She had the best time though and looked absolutely beautiful!

- Maddie cropped from a group picture. She looked beautiful!

She and I just an hour before she became my cousin!

Make-up time!!

More Make-up.


I love you so much Madison and am so thankful for your selfless acts that put me at peace with our future.

LOVE

This love thing has gone far enough! I am going to just stop falling in love with this child right now and will start back up a week before she is born. I can’t take another 20 weeks of waiting. I AM NOT A PATIENT PERSON PEOPLE.

Ha, I wish it were that simple. I love this baby so much it hurts.

I want to hold her and kiss her and see her. I am so ready to find out if she got her daddy’s eyelashes and my nose or.. maybe she got my dimples and his chocolate eyes. However she arrives we know she will be perfect. Absolutely perfect! She started kicking two weeks ago (well she was kicking at our 9 weeks but I can feel her now!) It was dull at first, just like the doc told me, very light in the lower middle part of my belly but this week she has really started putting some power behind her kicks. Any day now Jorde will be able to feel his daughter and that is the moment.. if there were one single moment, that I have most looked forward to since falling in love with him. I have dreamed about the day that he would feel, for the first time, OUR child kick! Just thinking about that moment brings tears to my eyes.

Speaking of my “baby daddy” (he hates being called that btw); He is continuing on his most amazing husband streak. Even with him having shoulder surgery he has emerged as my prince charming. He is also very excited to meet our little girl and while we haven’t allowed ourselves to go crazy buying baby things until we get settled into our new home, he did insist that we buy her the newborn A&M beanie (shown on another blog.) He also let me know yesterday that he will not dress her in non-gender descriptive clothes because he finds it confusing with other people’s kids trying to decide if the baby is boy or girl. He is all about the bows and tutu’s. This makes me very happy! I am not a girly girl but feel confident that I can dress my daughter to be one until she tells me no more. It’s just fun!

Other things I am loving besides my daughter and husband you ask.. the fall weather, peaches, peanut butter and apples, having my energy back, Pei Wei’s Vietnamese Chicken Salad Rolls, Pepcid AC (got the clearance from the doc), and most any food that is served with a sauce or gravy. Also, for some reason I am having major separation anxiety from my mom. I need to talk to her EVERY SINGLE DAY … that is not me at all. I am very independent and used to go a week or two without talking to her and now… geez… it’s everyday. I think she is getting sick of me. I literally have nothing to talk about because she has already heard it. I just want to hear her voice.. Is this weird? Honestly, is it? I can take it.. Please let me know if I need to seek help.

I am feeling so blessed and fortunate this week. The weather is perfect, we get to see Sloan next week, the Rangers are awesome, My girlfriends and I are going to Taylor Swift this weekend (thanks to my husband), and the out pour of love and support from our friends and family has been overwhelming. We are continuing to do research and get involved with the CF Foundation. I am meeting with families that are living it, day in and day out and they are serving as my inspiration as I witness first hand that their kiddo’s are getting to take advantage of the new treatments that are developing through the research that will eventually find a cure. Sloan will have every advantage plus some due to the timing of when some of these drugs came out.

That said, my heart is heavy because as I write this, Jorde’s sweet cousin is fighting for her life and is having a life threatening surgery right now. Maddie is a severe case of CF. She is 14 years old and has taken a pretty steep drop in her health recently. 11 days ago she blew a hole in her lungs that the doctors are now trying to repair. She has been in ICU since that day being monitored while hoping the hole would close up. Her little body can’t take many more surgeries and her lungs are already so damaged. When she comes out of the surgery they will have her on a respirator until they feel comfortable that her lungs can hold their own…. This might take a while.

Last night Jorde and I went to see her and that is when reality set in. From far away it is easy to say that “Maddie is sick” but to see it up close and personal makes you realize that this is no game. Maddie is a trooper though. She told me that Sloan will never have to go through what she is going through because the medicines they have now are so much better. She told me that Sloan will be a part of the cure and that she was so happy that she would never have to go through what she is going through. This 14 year old little girl is so wise. She knows every medicine they pump into her. She shouldn’t have to know those type things.. She loves Sloan so much already and she knows they have a special bond. She told me I have to come back as soon as Sloan is kicking hard enough for other people to feel so she can feel her too. Please pray for this very special little girl and her recovery. Please pray that a cure is found soon so that Maddie can one day look back on this time and say “never again” and move on to bigger and better things.

So… this post is a little sweet and a little salty. I had no idea where it was going to go but for those of you who know me, you know I am just a ping pong ball of thoughts. Have a great weekend and enjoy those you love. Make a memory this weekend that you can talk about 20 years from now!!

A Walk to Rememeber

On February 8th, 2011 a dear friend and co-worker lost her daughter to the silent killer, SIDS. The day started as any other except Channan (my friend) was supposed to be working from home but instead was in the office to spend time with our director. There are three of us that work in the Dallas office on site at our client. As we were discussing what we were going to do for lunch, Channan’s phone rang and her life was changed forever. We didn’t end up having lunch that day. Instead I drove Channan to the hospital where we would come to the realization that Channan would not be taking her daughter home. Ainslee Ryan Soppe was a little over three months old when she went to be with our Heavenly Father. She was put down for her morning nap and never awoke.


It is still hard to put the pieces of that day together. Reality had not sunk in and Dena (our other co-worker) and myself did all we could to be strong for our friend. It was as if we were watching a movie unfold and as the plot thickened we knew we did not want to see the ending, we wanted to press stop and go back to planning our lunch. Of course there were tears and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness but it was nothing compared to the days and months to follow. Our friend, who we watched grow with her precious baby and gave opinions on her nursery had to bury her daughter and the heaviness grew on all of us.

After they called the time of death Channan, Travis (her husband), and his wonderful family were left to pick up the pieces while Dena and I … well, we didn’t really know what to do. We hadn’t lost a child but our hearts were broken all the same. Again, shock of the morning carried into months of grieving for our friend and for our own broken hearts. No person should ever have to experience losing a child or lay witness to it. Because we didn’t know what to do and had left so sudden from our client site we went back to the office to see if we could close up any lose ends. It was obvious once we got there that work was not going to get done. Our minds, hearts, efforts, were all tied up in hurting for Channan and Travis. The following day I stayed home from work. I logged in to the office but did only the bare minimum. There were a lot of tears and a lot of questions circling around in my head. I honestly don’t remember the rest of the week. I don’t remember if I went into work or if I stayed at home. Dena says there was ice that week but I thought it was sunny and beautiful… It was a blur except for the parts that dealt with being there for Channan. I do remember taking Channan’s car to her at the church on one of the days but that is it.

At 28 and 29 years old Channan and Travis were planning a funeral for their baby girl. Ainslee was the most beautiful baby girl, just like her momma. The funeral took place on Saturday, February 12th at the same church that they had christened Ainslee just a month or so before. The helplessness continued to build for Dena and I, the only thing we could do was just be there for her. But how? I am not going to say it wasn’t a little awkward because it was. This was the most sensitive situation I have ever been a part of and I didn’t want to do anything to make it worse by something I might say or something I might do. It was tough and still is. There is not a day that goes by that Channan and Travis wouldn’t give up EVERYTHING they possess to be able to hold their little girl just one more time. The heaviness that they walk with every day is unimaginable but in their pain they have inspired so many others. Me being one of them.

As we continue to heal from the loss of Ainslee we grow as individuals. Yesterday Sloan and I participated in a “Walk to Remember” for sweet Ainslee. It was cleansing and fulfilling to take part in remembering a child that was of such importance. Channan and I talked a lot of her children (they have a precious two year old boy as well) and of my dreams to be a mom. When we found out we were pregnant I didn’t know what to do.. I was clueless of the “protocol” for these type situations and didn’t want to do anything to upset her. Channan was one of the first people I turned to when we found out that Sloan would have CF. She has been such a good sounding board for everything. Her concerns for my baby are the same as mine but we both recognize that the choice between having a child that will need additional medical treatment and not having your child at all is a no brainer. I know that Channan will be a forever friend and will most likely be one of the few I would entrust my child with. She and Travis stand strong in their faith and with their family and friends as they press on in the beautiful life that God has given them. They truly are a couple worth knowing and I am so glad to call them my friends and someone I look up to.

If you would like to know more about Channan’s journey you can find her blog on my page. It is titled “I get a little bit stronger.”