A Beautiful Life

I don’t want to write this post. From the bottom of my heart, I would give anything to be writing about happier times during my pregnancy. We have been so blessed to share great times with eachother and our families and I would rather write about those times but I can’t today. I don’t know how else to express my sadness.

Yesterday, after two weeks and two days in ICU, two surgeries, and three holes blown in her beat up lungs, our beautiful Madison Dallas went to walk with Jesus. Her earthly body could no longer continue. It was just too weak.

I could go on and on about Maddie and the life that she led. Cystic Fibrosis did not treat her kindly but she did her very best to not let it define her. She had the best sense of humor, a mind that could be explained as genius, and a true servants heart. She was simply “a beautiful person.” The world is missing out on one great mind and person.

Jorde and I, while embracing our daughters disease, have struggled to understand the why behind it. I mentioned in my last post that we had a great conversation with Maddie the night before she went into surgery. This would be the last conversation we would have with her and I am so glad she overcame the human nature to skirt awkward topics and tell us that Sloan would never go through what she was going through. A 14 year old girl.. 15 hours before an extremely high risk surgery, took the time to put us at peace with this disease. How she did that.. we will never know.

I have always appreciated sad movies. One movie that has been on repeat in my head is “A Walk to Remember” there is a dialogue between Jaime (girlfriend/ Cancer Patient) and Landon (boyfriend/ popular kid that lives for himself.) The conversation had to do with Faith and Landon asked Jamie to explain to him why there was suffering if there was a God. Jamie’s answer was “without suffering there would be no compassion. “ I keep reminding myself of this each time I find myself confused with God’s Will. If we were to understand everything in our lives and expect that everything has a happy ending we would never know the joy that comes with the good things that life offers, but instead be empty of emotions.

While it is hard to understand why God took such a remarkable little girl and took my friends precious baby girl we have to believe that there is something bigger that we are all a part of. We are not our own, but on loan from God until he calls us home. I don’t mean to get religious on everyone but when these kind of things happen in life I find it easiest to digest it if I give it up to the man upstairs. If I can’t control it, I would rather think that he is in control instead of believing in nothing….

Madison was so excited to meet Sloan. We were in the process of figuring out ways the two of them could spend time together (CF patients should not be within 6 ft of one another).. never did we think that they would never meet here on this earth. Before Maddie died, about 45 minutes before her heart stopped, I was holding her hand and had the strongest urge to let her feel my belly one last time.. It was weird. I felt compelled to take her hand and place it on my belly.. I tried but it wouldn’t reach over the bed rail. I told Jorde that I needed her to feel the baby one last time. I felt like she wanted to feel her and he said we would get a stool. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it because it sounds kinda weird.. but I wasn’t going to deprive her if this is what she wanted so I stood on my tip toes and put her hands through the rail. Her index finger and pointer finger made it. I just know that she enjoyed that. I know that Maddie will be watching out for our little girl and most importantly, I Know that Madison is in no more pain, she will suffer no more, and that she is walking with our Lord.

The final moments of her life I was not sad, I was at peace and was envisioning what I believe Heaven looks like. I pictured her long brown hair so beautifully curled, a huge smile on her face as she took a HUuuuuGE breathe, and ran into her PopPop’ (Jorde’s grandpa who passed away a little over a year ago) arms.

Last night, after we had all left the hospital, I was talking with her mom and she said that Maddie shared more about why she believes Sloan will also have CF. She believed that God knew that there was so much she wanted to do with her life that she wouldn’t be able to and that Sloan will be able to carry on the torch. She believes, as I believe that Sloan will get to see the cure to this horrible disease and Sloan receiving the cure will give full closure to Maddie dying so young.

This is a sad time for all of us but as time heals our hearts we will remember Maddie often and know that while we didn’t want to give her back she was ready. She was tired and knew there was a better place waiting for her. We will raise Sloan to know Madison as the warrior she was. She battled hard for seven years . Madison left a legacy that Sloan will fully embrace. Maddie Made our family better and the people she encountered better.

Maddie was a Jr. Bridesmaid in our wedding . Here are some pictures that I would like to share with you all. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her but this was not a good time for her. She was in and out of the hospital often. She had the best time though and looked absolutely beautiful!

- Maddie cropped from a group picture. She looked beautiful!

She and I just an hour before she became my cousin!

Make-up time!!

More Make-up.


I love you so much Madison and am so thankful for your selfless acts that put me at peace with our future.